My Wish Come True

As I sit at this round, cold marble table my fingers feel like ice.

There was a wind storm in Los Angeles last night and one of the windows in my office blew open. There is paper everywhere, clothes strewn on the floor and a faint unsettling energy in the air like something spiritual occurred here. I’m currently redecorating my home office so there are various paint swatches on the walls and graffiti – like writing from a shoot we recently did for this website. My place is a mess. My creative space is a mess. My mind is a mess.

Fleeting thoughts and ideas flow in and out as quickly as a butterfly’s wings. Beautiful butterflies have been haunting me for the past year. The first time I really noticed the butterflies was on a day I was gardening in our backyard. Now they are always everywhere, reminding me to slow down and smell the roses.

The past year of my life has been the wildest yet. To think, a year ago I wasn’t even pregnant. I wasn’t living in this house or sitting in this messy office. We weren’t spending our days walking around our neighborhood nor spending our nights snuggled up on the couch as a family. I was, however, feeling a tremendous void in my life and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

It took me 7 years to build my website business. It took me 10 years to build a solid foundation for my marriage. It took me 35 years to begin to fully accept and understand my flaws, my chaotic mind and settle in to my own skin. With years of travel under my belt I felt like I was starting to “chase the dragon” when it came to life experiences. There wasn’t a vacation that could top the previous one or an experience that gave me that “high on life” kind of feeling. I know it sounds jaded, but in an industry that is filled with people jet setting all around the world and documenting it for the world to see, I was left feeling pretty blank. Sitting in my house all day started to feel uncomfortable, yet I was exhausted from pushing myself to be constantly “on.” The pursuit of perfection began to take over in my pursuit of happiness.

So, last year my birthday wish was to “be happy.”

The pregnancy with June came with ease, but the mind games that followed were a brutal lesson on life. Mind games and lessons on the art of doing nothing were slowing being ingrained into my well being. Slowing down time has been the greatest gift I have ever received and it came in the form of motherhood. I think I have been avoiding the idea of becoming a Mom for so long because I selfishly believed that I would lose my identity in it. As the type of person who buries herself in every project, every conversation and every task at hand, I was convinced that as I became a mother that I would inevitably be nothing but that – a Mom.

Now I sit here, in my messy office wearing my pajamas and it’s 9am and I am 36 years old. So much has changed, all for the better. In the past, birthdays have come and gone with a flicker, but this one feels different. I feel a year older and wiser. I felt the past year of my life tick by, day by day and have somehow managed to slow down my life. I know it won’t always be like this. I know that one day I will wake up and {hopefully} be 80 years old wondering where it all went.

But today, I’m 36 and sitting in the beautiful mess that surrounds me. A mess that, a year ago, would have driven me mad and driven me into a frustrated state of panic and cleaning. But not today. Today I am the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s the greatest gift of my life.


xoxo jacey